Friday, January 31, 2014

The Big Game

The Big Game
An Article by Sports Reporter Joe “Monster Hands” Manassas

The Big Game is here! No, you aren’t going to see the familiar Blue, White and Gold of the Captains’ jerseys on the field. You aren’t going to see the gold toothed grin of Captain Corsair, our venerable and beloved mascot as he pumps up the crowd for the team, dueling the coach with his foam sword and doing his inimitable victory dance. You aren’t going to see the lovely Wenchettes flipping their pom poms and performing acrobatics the likes of which you have never seen, between super-expensive, weird tv commercials.

Why not? Well, as always, if you want to know, talk to the Hands...

No one new to Titan City can miss the fact that our team is beloved. Tricorn hats, old school lunchboxes shaped like treasure chests, fancy boots; the team is not hurting on the money front, the merchandise sells like, well, Captain Cakes (just a hint of orange flavor to fight off the scurvy. Yarr). Those same newcomers always do a double take when they see the numbers. How do we pack Titan Colosseum (newly refurbished with a retractable dome, ready for us to host the Big Game here) every week when we have a losing record?

Because it’s our team, that’s why! And we love our team. How can we not love the plucky underdogs who work so hard training in the offseason, give so much to the community, and then go out and give it their all? They’re like family, especially Alan Capulet, the beloved coach. They’re all Titan City fixtures, and they’re all good, clean kids. Even if they never win, we’re happy to have people like this in our fair city.

Which is just as well, because - and this is the deal, sports fans - Titan City isn’t allowed to win. If the Captains win, then “obviously” it’s because someone on the team is a super, or they’re doping with some new superscience drug (conveniently impossible to detect or disprove), or someone’s using mind control on the referees or whatever. We’ve heard it all before. We hear it every time the Captains make the playoffs. Mike Thorkulson rushed 18,400 yards in 2007, and it was chased off the team because breaking a record meant he was ‘obviously’ superhuman. Then New York’s Shane Smith ran 18,427 the next year, but that was a crowning jewel of human achievement. It never ends, folks.

Our boys are clean. Super clean. Squeaky clean. Heck, I even got investigated when I was on the team because of the size of my hands! Ladies, the Hands are here to tell you. I’m no mutant, just a freak. Ever since the Incident, the Captains have watched their food and their training regimen, but that cloud of suspicion always rises every time we get close to the playoffs, and I have been on that field folks; it does affect how you play.

Yes, I mentioned the Incident. We all remember 2005, although none of us want to talk about it. The season’s over for us, so what’s the harm? One guy ever gets his hands on the super-drug Chaser, thinking it will give him an edge. Then a hard tackle makes him belch fire all over a linebacker. Sure, it was shameful. I’m not going to say it was right. But it was one guy, one time, and now that cloud is going to haunt us forever? I say bull.

Titan City may have more super types per capita by far than any other city in the world because of our lax laws on supers. We may have a lot of super science and magic. But if there is one thing Titan City knows, it is that you can’t have the mask and cape crew do everything for you. Some things are best handled by good old regular guy know-how and guts. And one of those things is Football!

Mark my words. Supers are getting to be more and more populous worldwide. One of these days, one of the big teams is going to have their Incident. Maybe that will make everyone start letting a little bit of the super onto their pro teams. Maybe that will make everyone work as hard as our Captains do to be spotless. But either way, some day, as they say, the playing field will be even.

Never give up hope, Captains Fans! We are going to have our day in the sun! We are going to see Captain Corsair dance under the goalposts! We are going to host the Big Game some day, and we are going to win! And we all know why!

Say it with me, as you read this on your phones and on your laptops! Say it with me as you read the paper on the bus stops and in the barber shops! Let this city ring with the chorus! Anyone can make it in Titan City!

That’s all from me this year on the Big Game, folks. As always, if anyone asks, the Hands went that-a-way.


  1. Great update, and I love the look of the stadium. Are the stadium naming rights for sale? ;)

  2. Wait, I just saw those rushing stats. 18,000+ yards? In one season??? That's like nine times the NFL record! I'm gonna draft Shane Smith in my fantasy football league next year! :D